Animated Shorts - Celebrating the erotic in literature and in life

Sperm. Imagine the strong tails of those little buggers powering nanobots to fix what’s wrong with your body! Yes, faster than the fastest swimming man, they’d send relief faster than the hot-pants babe on the corner with the bills in her bra sprinting toward your little hovel.

So, where would we get the little buggers? Will we be jacking off into an official vial for money in the near future? Would religions give up their masturbatory hold for the greater good?

Scientists look to sperm to power nanobots. Imagine what terrorists could do with a vial full of nasty nanobots. Anybody think of that?

“Hey meester, swallow a leetle of zees and your penis weel grow bery, bery beeg!”

Geoffrey Miller of the University of New Mexico has just penned a study of Lap dancers and fertility. Interesting stuff:

The results support the idea that if evolution has favoured concealed ovulation in women, it has also favoured ovulation-detection in men. The average earnings per shift of women who were ovulating was $335. During menstruation (when they were infertile) that dropped to $185—about what women on the Pill made throughout the month. The lessons are clear. A woman is sexier when she is most fertile. And if she wishes to earn a good living as a dancer, she should stay off the Pill. ~ Lap dancers earn more when they are most fertile

But are Miller’s findings due to men sniffing out a women’s fertility? After all, Dr. Martie Haselton points out:

“We found that women were most attracted to men other than their primary partner when they were in the high fertility phase of the menstrual cycle. That’s the day of ovulation and several days beforehand.”

Perhaps this attraction made the women dance hotter when they were fertile. Now that stirs the pot, eh?

It provokes technological innovation among the young: Teen Hacks $84 Million Porn Filter in 30 Minutes.

So I get this email titled “Improve sperm flavour” and I’m thinking, “why do people care about the flavor of all those little buggers floating around in that viscous pot-cheese waiting to escape with the crowd come cum time? Then I read where a woman in Moscow set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka.

Youza, seared sausage, marinated in vodka! Imagine if the flavour of the sperm had been tweaked to a turn! The James Beard Foundation should be called! We have a wiener!

Then I read “A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.”

We are awash in Penis stories at this point in our history. Why is that? They are not stories with good endings, either. I wonder what the dwarf’s sperm were doing that they seem to have gotten him stuck to the vacuum cleaning apparatus? Holding hands? Did they at least smell good?

Then the Brits throw a boy in court for throwing a sausage at some old guy. It turns out that it wasn’t one of those big, assault sausages; it was a cocktail weenie. What is the world coming to?

These are all Reuters Odd News stories. They came at us all at once. Are we blowing things out of proportion with all these wiener stories? I dunno, I’m getting hungry.

And I’m back. Maybe you didn’t notice.

Yup, it makes women happy, happy!

The finding that women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerful-and potentially addictive-mood-altering chemicals. ~ Crying Over Spilled Semen

Mood altering chemicals! Addictive? Say what? Now the government will have to get involved. Perhaps it will mandate condoms in order to keep folks unhappily unaddicted. We don’t want too much happiness going around, do we?

Miss S is Russian, and does monologues very, very well:

I think your questions are polite and acceptable. I will try to answer as good as I can with my poor English. Yes it makes me horny when I know that people see me, my private parts and a part of my sexlife. If he/she are going to masturbate after the inspiration I had given with my blog it would be beautiful. I am sometimes jealous about all the porn stars. The feeling that millions of people are rubbing themselves after watching must be a great feeling. But porn stars are doing this for money. I do this for my own satisfaction. If a guy has better sex with his wife after watching me….. what is wrong with this? Would make me happy! If a man is hungry after reading and seeing me nude or masturbating makes me happy too.

She has the right stuff–and it shows. Really shows. In your face shows. If sex and nudity offends you, pluck out your eye and don’t click the following link: Miss Monologues

Sacrilege Street featuring Ron Jeremy trying to dispel the modern myths children are allowed to think of as truths by “adults” who mistake ignorance for morality? Yes, Jeremy and hand puppets, one big MySpace download: Sex Ed with Ron Jeremy.

A Wireless Vibrator Banned for National Security Reasons? Yup, Cyprus doesn’t want orgasmic rays to interfere with its military broadcasting frequencies. Don’t get caught with one in your bag, or, um, you know, that place you keep it…

Ok, if a story started off like this (and it does)

Katie knew that Pete had bought her something big for her birthday but she hadn’t expected… this.

What would you think?

This is a story for girls, so they tell me. So you guys aren’t allowed to look. The big thing? Well, read on, it’s illustrated.

(Did you know that significantly more women use the internet than men in the US? Well, they do.)

If you live close enough to a lake, one thing seems odd to you. Female ducks, who normally hang around with the same mate, often get raped. Yes, I’ve noticed. I’ve even been used as a screen by a female being harassed by a persistent male duck.

Did you know that over the years male ducks have developed larger and larger corkscrew penises, while the rest of the bird world seems to have lost theirs over time? At the same time, the female ducks were at work on their own sex organs. They were making corkscrew oviducts. Except their corkscrews went the opposite direction of the male corkscrews.

Why? Well, if you’re a rapist male duck, you’re sorta in a hurry, and the female you have under your grubby webbed feet doesn’t relax, you’re likely to get caught in some kinda oviduct dead end and then, mating wise, your goose is cooked.

With her partner, evidently the female duck relaxes and the male can corkscrew right in there. So the rapist ducks don’t pass on their genes, only the good, monogamous ducks can.

Huh! It’s like an “evolutionary arms race,” says a bunch of biologists who’ve spent considerable time feeling around on the underside of ducks. Ohhhh, they used the E word. Shame on them. Oh, well, you can take the truth, can’t you?

Then see: Duck penises show “arms race” between sexes: study

Yes, Sage Vivant, whose new book Your Erotic Personality: Identifying and Understanding Your Sexual Self , charged with the task of helping you find you sexual center, has just hit the stores, needs you help. She has written a story and it needs an ending. And it says right on the Good Vibrations web site, “Finish this piece of erotica by Sage Vivant, and you could win a $50 Good Vibration Gift Card (and see your story in print!).”

Link: Needed: A Sexy End!

Many people have heard of Britain’s Operation Ore, a high-profile crackdown on internet child porn that targeted 7,272 British residents, mostly men, who were said to have paid for kiddy porn via credit cards.

Problem is, a considerable number of them (if any) didn’t.

“39 men have killed themselves under the pressure of the investigations.” reports Duncan Campbell in the Guardian article Operation Ore flawed by fraud.

It’s a frightening read. Yes, you could be accused of the most heinous crime just because someone stole your credit card info. Don’t leave that bugger out of your sight. Firewall your computer.

Madame Hysteria doesn’t need much proof to destroy your life.

Buy your coffee in bean form? Do they remind you of something that used to be called a “pussy” before people started shaving them bald? Well, take a look at fluffy Lychees: Coffee Beans.

Not safe for work, even if you’re drinking coffee.

Alternet calls Creation “Science” the “Christian Right’s Trojan Horse Against Reason.” Fact is, creation “science” museums are popping up like weeds. People get mad at the waste of resources, the money used to produce dinosaurs that move and have big teeth to crack open coconuts but are vegetarians until Eve chomps the apple, the kinda stuff you’ll find in these fantasy funhouses. I’m inclined to see them as pretty darn odd. Funny even. Here you got all o’ God’s creations: Noah, his ark, some baby dinosaurs (you can’t get the adult ones in there) and Noah’s lovely wife, all arranged so as “not to display breasts or genitals.” Evidently God isn’t proud of that.

But a commenter brings up an interesting point:

Wow, sounds really cool, particularly all the special effects. I wish I’d have thought of it (and had the money to build it). Hedges didn’t mention how much the admission price is, but I bet it’s a money maker. You know what would be really really cool, if they had a “last supper” cafeteria where you could sit down with Jesus and the disciples for a snack before you leave. A little bread, a little wine, maybe a fondue pot full of Velveeta dip. Maybe they could also install an “adults only” area where they put on a live sex show and Lot gets it on with his daughters in a cave. And maybe a bar where you could knock a few down with Noah. The possiblities are almost endless.

Yes, unlike “Creation Museums,” the Bible has lots of very kinky sex by folks who evidently are not short of organs to combine together in unusual combinations. Did you know there is a sex free Bible available to censor God’s handiwork? It’s small, short and easy to get through. What if it catches on? What if they take the sex out of the Bible permanently? Wouldn’t God Object?

I like the adult show idea. Someone should do it. Maybe it would preserve the true Bible. The one with the sex in it I mean. It’d make money, that’s for sure.

What would you do if a woman walked into your house, took off her clothes, and started masturbating on your couch?

1. Call the Police,
2. Throw out the couch, or
3. Cuddle up and start masturbating with her?

Well, if you said the first two, then you can be a Pi Kappa Alpha frat boy, because that’s what they did.

Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.

When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine, he said. The woman was talking on her cell phone at one point, said LSA sophomore Adam Bayard, a member of the fraternity. ~ Masturbating trespasser booted from frat house

I’ll say she was fine. And she made her escape clean as a whistle. The police have no idea who she is.

“Obviously, she was very disturbed,” Nye said. “It was not how a normal person would respond to people.”

I guess getting hysterical about a little masturbation is normal, so this woman must be completely bonkers. But what frat boy is gonna boot a nekid woman from the frat house? That’s what I call nuts.

He coulda picked up a video camera and made a video of her for IFeelMyself.com, the spectacular site featuring women havin’ lots of fun without frat boys…

DOMAI is having a March sale on six and nine month memberships. DOMAI’s ten year anniversay was March 9, a tribute to the longevity of sites featuring fresh, fine nudes. Get ‘em before the prudes do ‘em in.

COPA, the so-called “Child Online Protection Act” was declared unconstitutional today.

“Even defendant’s own study shows that all but the worst performing (software) filters are far more effective than COPA would be at protecting children from sexually explicit material on the Web,” said Reed, who presided over a monthlong trial in the fall. ~ U.S. Judge Blocks 1998 Online Porn Law

The problem is, of course, that what’s harmful to minors is a moving target, especially since the courts insistance on “community values” made obscenity as regional as Italian cuisine. Courts are also reluctant to tinker with Miller v. California, since before the ruling they were forced to hear each and every obscenity charge separately.

In any case, the ACLU was delighted, the Morality in Media folks not.

This is odd: In Response to Latest COPA Decision, Morality in Media President Robert Peters Says First Amendment Was Not Intended to Provide a License to Sell Smut Without Any Legal Obligation to Restrict Children’s Access. Odd because selling smut via credit card is a way to deal with age restrictions in itself, rendering COPA useless in any case.

Evidently, at issue is the “fact” (put forth by Peters) that parent are by and large unable to raise children in this day and age. “While this may come as a surprise to some federal court judges, many parents are overburdened and tired. Many are naive. Many don’t want to be overly strict, like their parents were. Many are ‘technologically challenged,’ like me. Many don’t speak English. Many have physical or mental health problems. Some neglect and abuse their own children.”

And instead of working to unburden parents to let them do their jobs, or training them to do it better, it’s best to burden the rest of us with the problem. Somehow, this doesn’t make sense to me.

The pedestrian streets and shopping centers of ancient Rome were awash with carvings of erect penises. Those penises were a good luck symbol 2000 years ago, and people weren’t afraid to display them. It makes sense, since a good, strong, erection is truly a sign of good health.

So how did an erect penis become, 2000 years of technological development later, a sight that’s harmful to minors? What is the connection? Is our willingness to equate ignorance with innocence? The hysteria generated by an exposed nipple? How can even the most explicit picture of ten people having sex in an open field be worse for a child than parents who “neglect and abuse their own children?”

censorship | child online protection act

Yes, Sex on the Grass is a drink, like sex on the beach, only greener.

But truly, there is nothing better than a shaded expanse of grass in which to watch voyeuristically as two perfect women disrobe. Mia and Nela strip in the grass, and you can watch.

Tags: sex | sex on the grass

I’m a fan of Porn Bloopers. In a “serious” porn flick, the only time people actually seem to react to each other is when something goes wrong. Then people appear real, just like the girl next door (well, without the extra 75 pounds of extra fat I mean).

On the other hand, some bloopers are just silly. And painful. Like this one (link via SugarBank).

Remember the first time you used a sex toy? Does the rememberance of it make you wax poetic? Or, if you’re out of wax, does it make you moist?

Vibrator.com is havin’ their first erotica writing contest, and it must feature that sex toy that first pushed its rubbery maleness into a virgin cavity of yours and hooked you on sex with molded appurtenances forever.

You get 100 smackeroos if your story turns the editors on to the max. That’s dollars, although if you’d rather have the smackeroos, I’m sure there’s someone with a paddle to give you a century worth. See: Erotica Writer’s Contest: My First Time.

I heard about the Whizzinator from these people. Shocking, just shocking what people will go through to have clean urine. You gotta check it out, especially if your next job depends on someone watching you pee into a cup.

I first heard of Sabrina Deep from an interview over at YNOT. Through the lips of Sabrina, the porn industry sounds a lot more, um, intelligent and family-oriented than Congress, doesn’t it?

YNOT.com:: What’s the best experience (sexual or otherwise) you’ve had since being in the adult industry?

Sabrina: Getting to know people who work in the adult industry: The standard of kindness, politeness, respect, culture, and intelligence is really, really high. All together, people play fair with each other and in spite of the competition in such a very highly competitive market, we are all like a big family always ready to help each other, when needed.

Anyway, Sabrina has a rather lively writing style which she exhibits (along with everything else) on her blog: Sabrina Deep Blog - The Deep Throat Journal. She wants you to vote for her boobs so she can be Miss Booble March (they’re “natural DD breasts”). No fair voting for your congressperson on a write-in basis. I know they’re boobs–but in this case…

Usual Warning: There’s nudity in them there links. If your eyes offend you, pluck them out.